Bad Day
by Just Maria
Summary: F**k. You know that moment when you're eating a perfectly delicious sucker in the most inappropriate way and you catch a stranger watching you. Horrifying when it happens, inexplicably more horrifying when you realize it isn't a stranger.
1. Chapter 1

_So where should I start?__  
><em>_How bout...__  
><em>_My name is Maria, and I love to... actually, how bout we don't go there.__  
><em>_I'm just kidding though, really, I swear.__  
><em>_Okie, this is my first fanfiction for Twilight so I'm making this a one shot.__  
><em>_I'm gonna break it up into a couple/few/several parts though. __  
><em>_Since I can't seem to find much time to do/finish an actual story.__  
><em>_I hope you all enjoy it. _

_**This is un-beat'd...**__**  
><strong>__**So if you find misspelling and other grammatical errors disgusting and **__**or  
><strong>__**repulsive and such please don't shoot me.**_

* * *

><p><em>Fuck.<em>_  
><em>  
>You know that moment when you're eating a perfectly delicious sucker in the most inappropriate way and you catch a stranger watching you. Horrifying when it happens, inexplicably more horrifying when you realize it isn't a stranger, it's Edward Cullen.<p>

My Edward Cullen.

Fine, he's not _my_Edward Cullen. Well... no, no, no, never mind.

As I stand here, both of us staring at each other, I notice I haven't stopped playing with my sucker. Nope. I can't even do it. My hand has a mind of its own and it continues to tap it on my tongue.  
><em><br>__Tap, tap, tap. Tap, tap, tap.__  
><em>  
>I feel the blood begin to pool in my face, at this point I'm just wondering what shade of red I am. Mmmhmm, yep, I'm <em>still<em> tapping away. I watch as he swallows, his Adam's apple bobs up and down.  
><em><br>__God, I want to lick it._

Shit. Did I say that out loud?

It doesn't seem so.

"What are you doing here, Edward?" A familiar voice says.

"Well hello to you too, Ali. Bella," Edwards says.

Ali?

Right, I'm downtown with Alice. Did I happen to mention I'm best friends with his twin sister, Alice? No? It must have skipped my mind.

"Last time I checked it was still a free country, so I guess I can do whatever I'd like." He says, lifting his hand and tugging at his hair.

"You're absolutely right." Is all Alice says, while raising an eyebrow up, almost making it disappear into her hair line and letting a Cheshire cat smile take over her lips, I just stand there silently.

Looking at them you wouldn't really believe that they were twins, polar opposites these two. Edward is at least six-two, medium build and Alice is a mere four-eleven, ballerina thin. He has reddish-brown, sex hair. Hair he's constantly tugging at with his long fingers. _His fingers... STOP!_Alice has short black hair that she loves to style to a point where she could take out your eyes. Edward has dreamy green eyes that I get lost in whenever he looks at me, and Alice has lovely blue eyes that you never want to see when she gets mad. Trust me it never, ever ends well for the other party.

While looking at them, and noting their differences and similarities I see a look pass between them that I can't figure out. I mean I'm as good as the next person when it comes to silent communication, but I'm an only child, I don't understand the sibling lingo like these two.

Chancing a look at my phone I remember why we're even downtown in the first place. Alice and I came to see a movie, and if I let her stand here and have a staring contest with Edward we're going to miss it. Not that I care, but Alice does, she has some sort of fascination with James Franco. I only have a fascination with her brother, but that's besides the point. I let Alice know that if we just stand here we're going to miss the movie. "Fine," is all she says, and at this point I don't know if she's answering me, or if she's speaking with Edward.

"Well, I'll see you guys later then, Bella. _Alice_." Edward says before he turns around and walks away.

"Bye Eddie." Alice calls out to him, knowing fully well that he hates when people call him Eddie. You can see his posture stiffen a bit as he continues to walk away. "Come on Bella." I turn around, still standing in the same spot I've been in the entire time and notice that she's already a good twenty feet away from me.

"Bye, Edward." I say. It seems that he's to far away to hear me but he turns around and waves goodbye while also giving me his signature smirk that destroys my panties every time. Then he runs his hand through his hair again and I fight the urge to run after him, jump on his back and pull his head back by his hair so I can press my lips to his.

"Beeeeelllllaaaa," Alice whines. I let out a sigh and savor the last moments of seeing Edward before he disappears behind a building and turn around on my heels and quickly jog to Alice so we can make our way to the theater.

B&E

Honestly, if you asked me to tell you about the movie I just paid to see this is what I would tell you. There was a man, James Franco, and he raised a monkey, he did something that made it smart, then people and monkeys begin to kill each other, then they stop and they all live happily ever after. Ok, I'm not entirely sure about that last part.

I'm sorry all I could help think about was lollipop fiasco and most importantly the conversation between the two freaky twins.

I wanted to know, I wanted to know bad. Like bad, bad. Like if Alice agreed to tell me what she was talking about on the condition that I go shopping with her for a month I would agree in two point five seconds flat. I'm just saying, that's how bad I wanted to know.

This piqued my interest in the extreme.

I tried hinting to her that I wanted to know but I'm as subtle as a tornado in a living room, mind you, and she won't budge, damn her!

I'd try again later. I'll bribe her.

How do you bribe someone who has everything they could ever possibly want you ask. Well... I know Alice's weakness.

Like I said I would agree to go shopping with her, but what Alice loves more than shopping for herself is "helping" me shop for myself. Now I only pull out the big guns when in dire need, and this is a "Bella needs/wants to know right fucking now" bases.

"Was that a great movie or what, Bella? God I could watch it again. James Franco! I don't know about you but he did awesome in that film. I mean did..." I block her out at this point, once she gets started on James Franco it'll be a while till she finds something else to talk about. I nod my head every once in a while, and make sure to add a, "Yeah, definitely", every now and then. When we finally reach her car, a mighty fine car might I add, a Canary yellow Porsche, she unlocks the doors and I climb into the passenger seat.

"Do you want to stop by your house now and grab your things or do you want to do that later?" She asks me.

"Why would I need to go to my house now?" I ask her seriously confused. After she backs out of her parking spot and exits the parking lot like a bat out of hell she turns to look at me like I've grown an extremely unattractive mole on my face.

"What do you mean? Three day weekend. Camping. Boys fishing shirtless, girls tanning in bikinis. Is any of this ringing any bells?"

Oh! Did I also forget to mention that I'm spending the entire weekend with the Cullens? _  
><em>  
>Yippee!<p>

Put a handgun to my head and just pull the trigger please.

Thank you.  
><em><br>__Could my life suck anymore right now?_

I smile at her then yell out, "Gotcha" before I turn up her radio and begin to scream out the lyrics along with the song.  
>Ok so I forgot, but Alice doesn't seem to mind, she just shrugs off my behavior and begins to belt out the lyrics with me as loud as she possibly can while speeding through traffic as if it weren't rush hour.<p>

B&E

Now, I'm not saying that I'm going to avoid any certain person for the entire camping trip. I mean I will have to speak to everyone at some point in time. I'm just saying that I may or may not burst out into tears of humiliation if I'm alone at any point in time with a certain sex haired God. I'm just saying, it could or could not happen.

As we pull up to Alice's' house, I look at the clock and I think we might have broken a new record today, I'm not sure though, I'll have to check my book later. We climb out of her car and begin to trek up the path to her "quaint home", or mansion, whichever you prefer.

Did I happen to look around for a shiny silver Volvo while backpacking through the jungle that was her mother's front garden?

Sure did.

Was I a tad bit excited to see that it wasn't parked in its usual spot.

Sure skippy.

I practically sprinted the rest of the way with Alice on my heels. As I reached the front door I was about to open the door when it flew open on its own.

Ok, I'm just kidding.

Standing in front of me was, Emmett Cullen, Alice and Edwards older and "better looking brother." His words, I swear.

I probably would have found him hot if I wasn't already in love with his younger brother. He's a bit taller than Edward and while Edward is lean and slightly muscular, Emmett is flat out muscular; he likes to work out every day. He also has a darker shade of reddish brown hair then Edward, but when it came to his eyes his were identical to Alice's. What always got me with Emmett were his dimples. Damn things got him out of everything. I swear you could be mad at the man and he just flashes you with those things and you instantly forget why you're mad at him in the first place.

Before I can retreat and hide, Emmett reaches out and grabs a hold of me.

_Oh God help me!_I pray.

"Bella, I haven't seen you in forever!" He yells into my ear, as he wraps me in a hug which cuts off my air supply.

"It's been a day, Emmett. Now put me down damn it!" I yell. Well who am I kidding here, I can't fucking breath, therefore can barely speak. If my hands weren't at my sides and pretty much useless right now I'd try to use them to bash him upside the head.

"Em!" I try again, it seems to work because he puts me down and I stagger down some of the front steps, but luckily Alice is still behind me and saves me from kissing the concrete.

"Sorry, B." Em says before he tries to help me back up the stairs. I swat his hands away and glare at him, I'm pretty sure it isn't as intimidating as I was going for because he takes one look at me and begins to laugh uncontrollably.  
><em><br>__Oh really now?_I think before I punch him as hard as I can in his arm, it only takes me a moment to realize that, that was a horrible, horrible idea. Clutching my hand to my chest I begin to swear up a storm. Sailors would be blushing right about now if they could hear the things I was saying to him.

Did it stop him from laughing?

Nope, he just began to laugh even harder.

"I said I was sorry, B. You know, I thought you'd be able to throw a better punch, since your dad _is_ the Chief of Police." I give it another shot and give him a glare. One that conveys, _if I had a set of daggers they'd be flying at you right about_ _now_. This one seems to work better because he raises his hands up in surrender and replies, "Just kidding." Or it could be the fact that we're now inside his house which just so happens to be filled with sharp shiny objects. Either, or.

"Emmett, why do... You know what; I'm not even going to finish that sentence." Alice says, before heading up the stairs.

"Hallelujah!" Emmett yells out. "Thank you baby Jesus, Mary and Joseph."

"You know what?" Alice asks.

Emmett quickly answers, "No, why don't you tell me," while crossing his big arms over his chest.

"You can be a real jerk sometimes." Alice says while her voice slowly begins to raise a couple of octaves. "If I didn't know any better I'd say you were adopted." She says, while now standing in front of her brother and jabbing him in the chest with her pointer finger.  
><em><br>__Go Alice. Get 'em.__  
><em>  
>Suddenly they both turn around and look at me.<br>_  
><em>_Shit I said that out loud didn't I?_

Emmett looks at me with pleading eyes, and Alice smiles her victory smile but quickly turns her bitch face back on when she whips around to continue poking her brother.

"You know what else. I think I should tell mom about the you know what, that happened you know when, when you know who wasn't home last week."

All the color drains from Emmett's face, because he knows exactly what she's talking about.

"Ali... sweetie... baby sister..." Emmett begins to say.

"Oh no, you brought out the bitch, now you gotta pay."

"Yeah," I add on, as I stand behind Alice. You know just in case he decides that he doesn't really care if he has a baby sister or not anymore. I'd be farther away, I'd get a head start to run away.  
><em><br>__What? You never know.__  
><em>  
>Before we can get to carried away though a sudden change falls over the room. Yes, you can literally feel the energy change.<br>_  
><em>_Oh God._ _You know what I'm talking about right?_

Energy that can only be presented or held when authority is around. Yep, the Hot Tamale of the house, the giver and taker of life, if they see it fit of course, just kidding. Yes people, mama bear was in the room, otherwise known as sweet ol' Esme.

"What do you mean "_you know what happened, you know when, when you know who wasn't home last week_"?"  
><em><br>__Thank you baby Jesus, Mary and Joseph._

_Bye-bye camping trip, hello house arrest._

* * *

><p>So what did you think?<br>Care to read any more?  
>I tried to put in my own sense of humor into this story. I hope you found it funny.<br>If not then there's probably something wrong with me, you never know.  
>Anyways, as every author says, please review to let me know.<br>Seriously, it's like crack, not that I've ever experienced it before...  
>No I haven't, if I'm like this on a regular basis, I don't want to imagine how I'd<br>be on something like that.  
>LEAVE ME SOMETHING!<br>Preferably nothing that cries, eats, or poops.  
>Thanks!<p> 


	2. Chapter 2

Thank you to everyone who read, reviewed, added, alerted my last chapter and story.  
>I'm happy to see that you enjoyed it!<br>And to those of you who just read it, I hope you enjoyed it as well.  
>But, we will never know...<p>

Ok so here's the next chapter.  
>Thank baby Jesus, Mary and Joseph!<br>I still don't know how many chapters/parts/segments this will end up being.  
>Sorry!<br>Let's just go with the flow and the flow will be flowing real soon.  
>Err...<br>On with the show!

Oh and I kind of spaced last week.  
>So when I posted the first chapter I didn't put a <strong>DISCLAIMER.<strong>**  
><strong>Go figure.  
>Here we go.<br>**I don't own it, Stephenie Meyers does.****  
><strong>**She made Bella, Edward and the rest.****  
><strong>**I just wanted to play with them.**

* * *

><p><em><strong>Day One<strong>_

_This sucks._

_I don't know what was going through my mind when I agreed to come camping. I fucking _hate_ camping._

_Who in their right mind comes out into the wilderness, leaving their safe home, soft bed and bathroom behind to camp?_

_Esme you really let me down._

You want to know something funny?

Ok, it's really not that funny, but it's just the four of us.

Four.

Not six.

Four. Emmett, Edward, Alice and I.

Esme and Carlisle suddenly had "grown up" things that needed to be attended to and couldn't make it. I call bull shit! Bull shit! I know for a fact that they're probably lounging around in their house happy as a clam. They get to sleep in their comfortable bed and not have to worry about annoying bugs that want to suck you dry.

"Do you smell the fresh air, Bella? It feels so good out here don't you think?"

"No, Alice. I told you that before we even left Forks." I say as I swat away some mosquitoes that are flying dangerously close to me. "Seriously, fuck these bugs. Fuck them hard with a baseball bat, better yet with one of those gigantic electrical tennis rackets!"

"Calm down, Bella. There's no need to get all flustered with nature. We are in the bugs' home after all." Emmett says all Gandhi like and I swear, if I had a bottle of honey I would pour it on him while he slept. I'd like to see how calm he'd be once they started munching on him.

Alice begins to laugh and grabs her clipboard before heading off into the unknown. "I have to find the perfect spot. I'll be back in a second." She says.

"Hey, Gandhi," I yell out to Emmett, "how about you stop talking about how _great_ nature is and start moving those bags of ours. We didn't bring you along for your good looks you know."

"Oh you brought me along as your slave?" He asks, while flexing his biceps.

"Well, yeah." I deadpan, but I can't hold my face still for so long before I crack a smile. "Come on, if we don't chop, chop it, Alice is going to get angry." Emmett soon comes over to me and helps me by picking up the other end of the fold-able table Alice insisted us on bringing.

"And you don't want to make her angry." We say in unison, and while we a laugh it up for a few minutes I soon decide that not laughing and having my eyes open is a whole lot better than laughing with my eyes closed and having a broken neck.

"Keep an eye out for where you're going, B." Emmett jokes; I stick my tongue out at him and continue to walk.

"Sorry, it's not my fault that I can't walk properly while I'm laughing, like _some_ people I know."

After we wander around calling out to Alice, we find her and our campsite and set the table up, making sure not to move anything else in the process. Once we're done we can hear an avalanche of things falling so Emmett and I take off to see what happened. When we reach Emmett's truck we see Edward standing at the back end with all our camping gear scattered around the ground.

"Are you ok, Edward?" I ask, while walking up to him and checking him to see if he's bleeding or anything.

_Nope, perfect._

"Yeah, I was just trying to grab the sleeping bags but one of them must have gotten caught on something," he points to the gear on the ground, "and it sort of all tumbled out."

"It's ok." I say, while trying to get some of the things back in order.

"Yeah, don't trip baby bro. As long as you're not hurt and we don't have to cut this trip short," Emmett says, while looking directly at me, "then everything is aaaalllll good."

_Damn it, why didn't I think of that? I mean I don't have to break anything, but maybe a really bad splinter could have me out of here in a few hours. I mean can't those get infected, and if it happens out here in the wilderness, God only knows what could start growing under my skin._

"Hello, Bella. Come back to us, Bella." I hear Emmett say, while he waves his hand in front of my face. "Do you mind taking these to Alice while we get everything put back into place?" He asks me.

"Emmett, what have I said about personal bubble space?" I yell at him. He looks at me like I've stolen his favorite action figure and he simply replies, "I need to be two steps back at all times. No touching unless you give the green light."

I keep my face as composed as I can but come on ladies and gentlemen, we've made progress! I can see Edward silently laughing; his body can barely contain it. I resist the urge to laugh and pat Emmett on the head like an obedient puppy and instead grab the box that is in his hand and try to find Alice once again.

"Good boy." I say before I turn around and leave, a giant smile is on my face when I know Emmett can no long see me.

"_Good boy_? Oh, man, Emmett, you're such a wimp." I hear Edward say, followed by his laugh which echoes around me.

"Dude you don't even know the half of it. I have a fucking list…" When I know I'm far enough away that they can't hear me, I can no longer hold in my own laughter.

_Boys._

B&E

When I first pictured us camping I was certain we would be sleeping on the ground with a roll up mat and a sleeping bag inside a itty bitty baby tent that you could see me feet come out of. Never in a million years did I think I'd be sleeping on a blow up mattress and be inside a tent that was slightly smaller than my own bedroom.

Alice has really out done herself this time.

I thought we would have to scavenge for our own food, having to live off nuts, berries and bugs. Almost like in the Lion King. I could be Nala, Edward could be Simba and we could run off into the wilderness and leave Timon and Pumbaa behind. Yes that would be Alice and Emmett; you can decide who's who.

But the Cullen's never do anything half-assed so we don't have to hunt or gather our own food; with everything that they brought we could survive out here for a few weeks.

Who am I kidding? The Cullen's know if they want a happy Bella than there has to be food within reaching distance at all times because I could give Shrek or Hannibal Lector a run for their money when I'm hungry.

Did I just compare myself to Hannibal Lector?

Yes I did.

I think I might need a peanut butter sandwich.

B&E

"BEEEEELLLLLLLAAAAAAA!" I hear Alice yell out as loud as she possibly can. I think I might have lost hearing in both my ears. It takes me a moment to notice that she's right next to me and she's signaling me to follow her. It's obvious that I'm not moving fast enough for her because she knocks the sandwich I just took time to prepare out of my hands and begins to yank me somewhere I really don't want to go. As she hauls me away I can only stare at the discarded sandwich that is laying on the ground in sadness. I knew it would have been delicious, I hope whatever finds it enjoys it.

"Alice, GD! What is so important that you slapped the sandwich out of my…"

_No._

_No._

_No._

_No._

_It can't possibly be. _

_Why? _

_Why, God, why must you hate me so?_

I want to run. I want to run away to my house and hide inside my bed covers for the remainder of this weekend.

Why, you ask.

The Denali's.

The Denali's are by far some of the most beautiful girls that I have ever seen. If they were cars they'd be a Rolls Royce, Porsche, and Ferrari while I'd be a beat up Chevy truck. To make matters worse I know at least one of those slut-tastic blondes is going be all over my man. I can feel the crazy starting to bubble inside of me.

"Alice, these bitches need to be gone, like now." I say through gritted teeth, my dentist won't be too happy.

"I know, Bella. Once I saw Emmett starting to act weird I knew there was a disturbance in the force… hoochies." She says with equal or more disdain.

I watch as Kate, the Rolls Royce, wraps her tiny delicate hand around Edwards arm and pulls him towards their campsite. I can see the goofy grin Edward has plastered on his beautiful face and I want to run up to them and slap them both, but I have to keep Shrek at bay.

"Bella, I think we need to get a plan going here. I do not plan on hanging out with them for one second this entire weekend. Not one. I had this trip planned to the T and they will screw everything up." She says while stomping her foot and crossing her arms over her chest.

I want to ask, _what in the hell kind of plans could they have screwed up?_ But Alice is scary remember so I decide against it.

"Don't worry Pix; we will have these girlies out of here before the end of the night." I say, a plan quickly formulating in my mind. "But we are going to have to hang out with them," I can see Alice is about to protest but I cut her off, "don't worry, it won't be for long, if the plan I'm thinking of goes according to plan." I turn around quickly and almost fall but I catch myself before I do. "Why don't you text your brothers and tell them to invite the three bimbo's to dinner tonight."

"Oh, God, Bella what do you have planned?" Alice asks.

"All in good time pet. All in good time," I hear myself say and I kind of scare myself because the images that flash through my mind are way too graphic to describe.

"Are you ok, Bella? You kind of went a little freaky on me there." I can see Alice is a little wary. I mean I did scare myself just then.

"Yeah, Alice, I'm just hungry. You know this crazy little pixie almost blew out my ear drums earlier for some reason and she happened to knock my sandwich out of my hands in her attempt to get my attention."

"I'm sorry I did that. Is that why you're going all H. Lector on me? Is someone hungry?"

"Why yes, Clarice, what will you feed me now?" I ask as creepily as I can while walking up to her as if I was a predator and she was my prey.

"Bella, don't you dare. Just stop right now."

"Stop what, Clarice? Why are you calling me Bella? There are no Bella's here now, just you and me, Clarice."

"Oh my God, if you don't stop it I will cooter punch the shit out of you." She threatens me.

"Wow, straight for the cooter. You can't even get me a little worked up before you go right for it huh? Am I no longer worthy of your sexy word, Alice? Are you cheating on me?" I say as I knock her down and sit on top of her.

We get into fighting mode and roll around in the dirt, twisting, turning, bumping, and kicking. I think there might be some biting on someone's part.

"Dude if you guys weren't my sister and like my sister than this would totally be hot right now." Both Alice and I look up to see not only Emmett and Edward but the slut-tastic sisters as well, all three of them with looks of disgust on their faces. Guess they never liked playing in the dirt like these two wildebeests.

"Oh hey there, we were about to see if you'd like to join us for dinner."

"No." Edward says quickly.

"Sure, that sounds great." I hear Kate say at the same time.

They each give each other a confused look and then they look at Alice and me, still on the ground.

"We'd love to." Tanya, the Ferrari says.

"Yeah I think it'd be fun." Emmett pipes up. I could kiss the man right now.

"Great! We shall see you all at," I look at my non-existent watch, "let's say 7. What do you all say?" I ask.

"Sounds like a plan." Edward says, he no longer looks happy and instead looks like he's a little constipated. _Great_, I think, while I do an internal happy dance slash fist pump.

"Ok, you all better skedaddle, wouldn't want to you guys to ruin those couture clothes you have on, now would we." I say.

"You're right, we should change into something else, girls." Irina, the Porsche, says before she trails a hand over Emmett's chest and gives him what I suppose is something resembling a sexy smile, but it just makes me puke a little in my mouth.

"We'll walk you back to your campsite." Emmett says before trailing behind Irina like a lost puppy; _oh man Emmett you are such a wuss._

"I'll catch up with you in a second guys, I gotta ask Bella something." Edward says before he grabs my arm and pulls me away from Alice. I think my shoulder might be sore by the end of this camping trip.

"I don't know what it is that's going on in that pretty little head of yours Swan but you better cut it out." _He thinks my head is pretty? I think all of him is pretty. Snap out of it Bella he is talking to you!_

"Nothing is going on; I just thought that you guys might like having them join us for dinner, that's all. Don't be such a freak." I tell him. He lets out a loud laugh but no real emotion is behind it.

"Bella, it may seem like an invitation to dinner for them but you and Alice don't have me fooled. I know you guys are up to something, and I'm just trying to let you know that you do not want to start a war with these girls. They might look like they only care about their looks, but trust me they are anything but bimbos."

I just nod my head and start heading back to camp, "Don't worry Edward, I won't hurt your precious bimbo. She shall remain intact."

"I don't really care what happens to them, I just don't want to see you _or_ Alice get hurt in this one sided war that's going to start." He says, a glimmer of, well I don't really know what, just a glimmer of something I probably only imagine, shines in his eyes.

"Don't worry, I never get hurt." Is all I say, before I leave him alone in the forest.

* * *

><p>So...<br>Let me know what you thought.  
>Let me know!<p> 


	3. Chapter 3

**Sooo...**  
><strong>Is anyone still out there?<strong>  
><strong>I hope so!<strong>  
><strong>If you want to throw any pitchforks at me please feel free.<strong>  
><strong>I deserve it.<strong>  
><strong>It took me at least... At least a month to get this out.<strong>  
><strong>I blame it on writers block but some stuff happened and I got inspired recently.<strong>  
><strong>Woot!<strong>

**Enough with the chit chat.**  
><strong>Get on with your bad self and start reading the chapter.<strong>  
><strong>I hope you enjoy it!<strong>

* * *

><p><strong>Day One Continued…<strong>

Ok so let's say, hypothetically speaking of course, that someone happened to stumble upon and watch their secret almost lover make-out with a trampy two-faced slut. I may know someone who has done this recently and I just wanted to know if you would consider this person a creeper?

Hands explore. Lips touch. Tongues tease. Air, well who needs it?

I think I may be getting sick.

"I love the way you kiss me. Although I'm pretty sure your breath smells like dog."

"Funny I could have sworn it was you who smelled. You always seem to have an old lady smell to you."

"Oh God just shut up and kiss me, Edward."

I can feel the heat of his touch ghost across my skin and bile slowly starts to rise in my throat.

"Baby do you like it when I nibble on your ear like that?"

"Hehehe, can you repeat what you just said? I can't hear a thing."

"Don't worry about it then I'm just going to tongue fuck the shit out of your ear."

"Ewww Alice! Why would you even say something like that?" I ask while I sit up from where I was laying down.

"It was the only thing that came to mind and I didn't hear you say anything funny." She says while looking away from the scene that is unfolding before her.

"I'm trying to hold back my vomit." I tell her which is definitely not a lie.

"Blah, blah, blah is all I'm hearing, Bella."

The entire time I've watched Edward, now dubbed the Jerk, and Kate make-out I've felt myself sink deeper and deeper into the deep end.

_How could he do this to me? I hate him. I fucking hate him! _

_But really, whom am I kidding here? I love that dumb ass. _

_Therefore, I guess I'm a dumb ass for loving him._

"We need to go. If I don't leave right now I think I may puke." I tell Alice as I stand up and brush off the leaves and dirt that have clung to my shirt and pants.

"Definitely, I'm pretty sure it's a crime in all 50 states to watch your brother make-out with anyone. Period. End of story. Fin. Should I keep going?" She asks innocently as she also removes the dirt and brush from her own clothes.

"I think you got the point across. I also think we should go get dinner started. Ugh, I hate how I opened my big fat mouth and invited everyone and their mother to come eat dinner." I start to complain but Alice soon takes over.

"I don't know about you but I better _not_ be stuck with making food this entire weekend. I will kill if I have to cook every day. Do you know what cooking can do to your nail? I'm so going to have to get a manicure when we get back to Forks."

_I can do this,_ I tell myself. _I do this every day at home. Why should it be any different from any other day? Just because we're in the God forsaken forest where if we died no one would find us for at least a few day, or worse, weeks! _

_No. Stop yourself right there Isabella Swan. You are a young, intelligent and independent woman who can handle any obstacle that is set in front of her, except for knowing how to seduce a boy like Kate does._

"How about you just stop talking to yourself Swan and get to cooking. I'll supervise." Alice says in her authoritative voice while she pushes me towards the designated cooking and eating area. "I swear when you start your inner monologues all I hear is 'Mur mur fuck meh mur gah shit gah gah.' come out of your mouth. It's almost as if you're not even thinking in English." She says while taking a seat on one of the camping chairs near the foldable table.

"You know you could help me, Alice." I say while I busy myself with getting things laid out and prepared so I won't have to run around like a chicken with its head cut off.

"Nope, I'm not going to ruin my manicure. I've decided that no matter how far away we are from anything beauty related I can't do damage to myself. It's not right."

I huff out an exaggerated breath while also trying to get my fringe out of my eyes. I hate that I let Alice convince me into getting it cut. Hats would help but those are _forbidden _andthe consequences are severe. I'll never disobey any of the rules set by Alice Cullen again. I repeat _never ever_ again. I can't even think about it without bursting out into tears.

"Are you thinking about the '07 incident?" She asks me while peering over my shoulder, as I'm balls deep in boiling water and kosher salt.

"Fuck, Alice if you don't move from behind me you're going to push me into the fire and I will burn to death. Now scoot back or so help me God I will push you in here myself." I threaten her through clenched teeth.

"I just want everything to go according to plan. How do you even plan on putting the eye drops into the food without all of us getting sick?" I roll my eyes at her. Seriously, how in the hell did she take all AP classes in high school when she couldn't figure out how we were going to lace the bimbo's food _individually_ with eye drops to give them a ragging case of the shit?

"Alice, oh my god, if you don't shut the fuck up right now I'm going to chop you in the throat so hard you won't be able to talk." I yell at her. The look she has on her face afterwards breaks my heart… if I had a heart. She doesn't have me fooled that easily. "Nice try, take those sad puppy dog eyes somewhere else."

"Bitch," I hear her mutter as she backs up and comes to stand in front of me on the other side of the camping grill. "You can be a real a-hole sometimes you know that? I mean what if I was really going to cry that time?" I start to laugh at that. I mean come on; this girl has a heart as black as mine. We don't cry.

"What's up with you anyways? Are you broken? These mood swings," she begins to bob her head back and forth then side to side, "are giving me major whiplash."

"No I'm not broken!" I screech at her. "Do you think I would ever come camping when Aunt Flow came to visit? What if a bear smelled the blood and came to kill me?" _Maybe she has a point about the mood swings._

"I think a wolf or a mountain lion would be a better guess." She answers haughtily.

"You know what I meant. That's all that matters. I wouldn't come out here when I'm bleeding to death. That's just nasty. I mean what are we suppose to do, just have a bunch of blood…"

"Please just stop whatever you were saying. I think my ears may never stop bleeding after what I just heard." Cue the dramatic music, _dun, dun, dun_.

It hadn't occurred to me that Edward would be able to pry himself away from Kate for two seconds. So surprise surprise as I stand in front of the pot of boiling water that I almost knock it over from the shock that he is here with me… and Alice. Suddenly I'm falling forward, towards said pot of lava hot liquid. Edward's left hand expertly darts out to steady the pot while using his right hand to pull me back from getting a nice steaming bath.

_Oh my God_, _he's touching me!_

"Bella make sure that you don't overcook the noodles. Bleh, mushy noodles are disgusting. Have you ever had mushy noodles? Not the best experience." She answers her own question while doing something I don't know. I can't see anything but green. Beautiful green. All I can think is, _yes, I have had mushy noodles before and it just so happened to be the last time you made them. _Of course, I don't tell her this because it would hurt her feelings and I only have her as my sidekick today.

"Looking good, B. Pasta, delicious, its my favorite. You don't want to leave the noodles on the fire for too long. Godzilla over there has a point, mushy noodles, bleh." Edward whispers into my ear and I can't help the shiver that works its way down my body and settles right there in the between my legs. Anger soon replaces any lust that I was feeling after I can process what he's saying.

"Will you guys stop telling me how to cook? Last time I checked I could cook more than a bowl of cereal, or heat up a hot pocket in the microwave." _Damn them, I should let them starve this weekend. Sounds like a great plan to me._

"Technically you don't cook a bowl of cereal." Edward points out.

"You know what I meant, freak." A smile slowly creeps its way on to my face. I'm useless I can't stay mad at the man for long. Not even for five minutes. I'm screwed.

"What time is it anyways? I thought you said dinner would be ready at 7. Bella, are you going to make me wait all night?" Oh, God. I had so many witty remarks I could say right now, but Alice was here and I was still mad at him for pulling me away earlier and giving me a talk.

"Seriously, your hounding me about dinner? The least you _both_ could do is help me out here, but no Pikachu knows everything," I say while waving my hands in the air side to side. Now my anger is bubbling in me like the spaghetti sauce that I keep forgetting to stir.

_Shit, stir, Swan, stir!_

I feel his right hand trail down from my right arm to my hip and he leans down to whisper into my ear again which sends shivers all over my body. Damn this boy knows how to touch me in just the right way to get me to shut up and cool down. Or heat up. Ehhh…

"Get back you freak, you're going to push her into the flame and then I'm going to have to avenge her death and kill you." Alice threatens her brother while dancing over to Edward's side to push him away from me. Obviously, she hadn't witnessed what happened minutes before.

_Damn you, Alice damn you! _I mentally wave a fist at her.

"Where are you taking Edward, Alice?" I ask her. "You're acting like a freak lately… Well more than usual." I say.

"Blah, blah, blah, Bella that's all I can hear from you. Plus I think I'm too far away." She bellows out.

"Great." I say aloud and obviously I'm speaking to myself because Alice was the only one keeping me company.

B&E

God, I could kill Alice right about now. Since she left with Edward a million years ago, I've been stuck making tonight's dinner, alone.

Do you know how hard it is to cook by yourself?

Ok, well now put yourself in the wilderness. Exactly, ten times the pain in the ass.

As I finish pouring the finished pasta sauce into a dish, I can hear leaves and branches being stepped on and I am grateful that I can hear everything out here in the forest so I can actually defend myself.

Watch out everyone I got a plastic spoon covered in boiling hot tomato sauce.

At first I can barely make out the silhouette of a child, oh wait never mind it's just Alice… who is covered from head to toe in dirt… a lot of dirt and she also happens to be carrying a few rolls of toilet paper.

"Ummm…" I begin to say.

"Nope, I don't want to talk about it. I'm going to go get cleaned up and changed. After you're done covering the food, you should do the same. This is about to get good." She says while juggling the rolls of toilet paper and not taking one look at me or the delicious food that I just slaved over!

B&E

Outfit. Check.

Hair. Check.

Make-up Alice insisted me on wearing. Check.

Evil villain and trusty minion. Check and nowhere to be found.

Its go time. Now or never.

God, is it poop cramps or is it butterflies in my stomach that have magically grown razors on their wings cause it feels like they're trying to cut their way out of my body.

I think I may need to rethink this diabolical plan. There's still time to come up with something else. You know we do have a couple more days. It would have been better to get them out of here ASAP but let's be real, drugging someone like this is evil.

Pure evil.

Karma is going to have a field day with Alice and I. She is going to fuck us retarded with something hard and sand papery.

Alice scares me far more though. I can already imagine the steam coming out of every orifice of her body. She is going to be so pissed when I tell her that I'm chickening out and that I want to get rid of the girls a different way.

Now if I could only find her.

I stand up and open the tent to go out into our campsite and I can feel my stomach take a forty-foot vacation to the bottom of my feet. I see everyone here. Dressed immaculately and I know I look like a rag doll compared to the wicked witches of the North, South, East and West.

Cause you know Alice is in the same category as the "fancy cars" cause she looks amazing in just a pair of perfectly torn up shorts and a plain black tee. Of course the fancy cars are dressed to the nines even though we are IN THE FOREST!

Six inch heels? Six inch stiletto heels in the soft dirt nonetheless! Bitch how is it possible that every time you take a step you aren't stuck in the damn dirt?

It's not fair.

I knew it.

My parents cursed me, most likely my own mother. She always "joked" that I ruined her figure but that she still loved me. Lies. Lies. Lies. If she loved me she would have made me a beautiful Amazon like these dressed up Barbie's that are flaunting their goodies all out in public.

I need to suck it up. I need to show them that I am not at all fazed. Not one GD bit.

"Hey guys! Are you all ready to eat?" I say. My resolve to poison these bitches growing exponentially every time I take a step closer to the table that is holding our dinner. I can see the sly smile that Alice has on her face and my prior panic attack of Karma getting me back is blown away by the fact that I definitely don't like these girls and that I want them gone tonight.

I will not be watching Kate make out with Edward one second longer this weekend. I'm going to make it my mission to have him know that I will no longer be his booty call. As much as I might enjoy our secret romps in his car, I will not be hidden from sight any longer. I want people to know that we are "together".

Take it or leave it mister. Cause I am no longer a doormat.

Nope.

* * *

><p><strong>Sooo...<strong>  
><strong>Yeah?<strong>  
><strong>No?<strong>  
><strong>Maybe?<strong>  
><strong>As always lemme know what you al think.<strong>


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